Humor Archives

Updated 10/31/04

Humor Update

Most computer problems can be narrowed down to a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard!

Definitely smile worthy!

Humor Update 10/22/04

Alabama

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh while southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant.

"I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts. This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's ALABAMA the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, streams, hills, and forests. The people from ALABAMA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in MONTGOMERY."
=====================================================
An ALABAMA BLESSING
Note: If you are not a resident of ALABAMA or never have lived in the hot, humid South, you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks, and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In ALABAMA, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

HOLD IT..........there's more....................

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ALABAMA IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up
lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk

Ah, what a place to call home. God Bless Our State of ALABAMA!!

A few things to know about Louisiana

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Louisiana.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Louisiana, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.

Squirrels will eat anything.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow up and eat okra.

"Fixinto" is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and then there's "supper."

Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two.

"Backards and forwards" means, "I know everything about you."

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

More about Louisianans....

You know you're from Louisiana if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day.

3. You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

4. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

5. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

7. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.

8. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

9. The local papers cover national and international news on one page and six pages for local gossip and sports.

10. You think that the first day deer season is a national holiday.

11. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

12. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

13. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' wal-martin" or "Off to ' Wally World'."

14. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.

15. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinna coke you want?"

16. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

17. You understand these and forward them to your friends from Louisiana (and those who just wish they were).

Only a woman will TRULY relate to the following, but it's a "hoot" for all!

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet
paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat. And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with The toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there.

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on - that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in
the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and Falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up
quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and
say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your man, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet. And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.

PS - The answer to the other question, why women go in pairs. So the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex.......

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -- it taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."

West Virginee

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

We heard they raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32. They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. Anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" The driver replies "Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

The library was a total loss, too. Both books went up in flames -- and they hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was passed in West Virginia so that when a couple gets divorced they can still be cousins.

Folks in West Virginia go to movies in groups of 18 ever since they were told "17 and under are not admitted".

A West Virginia man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
"No, dammit!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

John Kerry, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.

Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?"

She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said

Kerry. " What kind are they?"

The little girl says, "Democrats."

Kerry smiles, pats the little girl on the head and  continues on. Three weeks later again taking a stroll , he sees the little girl again with the same basket.

Kerry says ; "Watch this, it's very cute". They approach the little girl.

Kerry asks  how the kittens are and she says fine. He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" and she replies, "Republicans."

Somewhat abashed, Kerry says, "Three weeks ago you said they were "Democrats!"

"I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".

SENIORS DRESS CODE                                                                                                                                        
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near >40) are quite confused about how we should dress ourselves considering today's "any thing goes" style. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided, at all costs:   

          1. A nose ring and bifocals                                     

          2. Spiked hair and bald spots                                   

          3. A pierced tongue and dentures                                

          4. Miniskirts and support hose                                  

          5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads                               

          6. Speedo's and cellulite                                      

          7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar         

          8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor                 

          9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge                          

          10. Bikinis and liver spots                                    

          11. Short shorts and varicose veins                            

          12. In-line skates and a walker                                

          13. Thongs and Depends                                         

    Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop in the future!     

3 good arguments

 There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

   1. He called everyone "brother"

   2. He liked Gospel

   3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

 But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

   1. He went into His Father's business.

   2. He lived at home until he was 33.

   3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

   But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

  1. He talked with his hands.

 2. He had wine with every meal.

   3. He used olive oil.

   But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

  1. He never cut his hair.

   2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

   3. He started a new religion.

  But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

   1. He never got married.

   2. He was always telling stories.

   3. He loved green pastures.

   But the most compelling evidence of all--- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

   1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

 3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

A young blonde was vacationing deep in Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself a gator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the roadside where he spotted that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spotted a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature, and, with a great deal of effort, hauled it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank and watched in amazed silence as the blonde struggled and flipped the gator on its back. Then she rolled her eyes heavenward and screamed out in great frustration, "This one is barefoot, too!"

Previously

Ramblings of a retired mind


I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on.  I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.  Now everyone thinks that I'm cool, too.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it, "Pumping Rust". 

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....   that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"  Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  I think you should write,    "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?   What are we supposed to do . . .  write to these people?   Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail carriers could look for them while they delivered the mail?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

How come we never hear any "father-in-law" jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.  As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on a curve rather than pass/fail.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

An 85 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar.  The jar was as clean and empty as it had been the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained.

"Well, Doc, it's like this.  First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  Well, she tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left hand, and still nothing.  So, then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in and then with her teeth out and still nothing.  We even called Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, and then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep.  And no matter what we all tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Temptations

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A democrat’s view
Equal time for a another point of view …

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I was homeless, all because of President Bush. When Clinton was president, I worked in a prosperous enterprise. But in the last year, we had to close our operations. Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? My pain of losing my sons is indescribable. While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. And when the authorities found me, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democratic party. If Al Gore had been elected in 2000, I guarantee you, I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my sons!

Regards,

Saddam Hussein

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,   "Your house!”

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and working don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she snapped "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she added, lower lip aquiver! "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the
radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors -- they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. Most of you no doubt recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today:

a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. Soon, I will be able to vote Democrat.

Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have  gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you  absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddish expressions.

14. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Redneck Church

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call..

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

From The Kahuna -

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

From Judy -

The Great Debate.....

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, 'Up yours.'

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, 'Mr. Pope, we're staying right here.' "

"And then what?" asked a woman.  "Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

From Heather -

FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.  Take a large bowl.  Check the
whiskey  again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.  Pour 1
level cup and  drink.  Beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add
1 tsp. sugar and beat  again.  Make sure the whiskey is still OK.  Cry
another tup.  Turn off the  mixer.  Break two legs and add to the bowl
and chuck in the cup of dried  fruit.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaters, pry  it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.   Next, sift the cups of
salt.  Or something.  Who cares.  Check the whiskey  again.  Now sift
the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one tablespoon of  sugar or
something.  Whatever you can find.  Grease the oven.  Turn the cake  tin
to 350 degrees.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Throw the bowl
out  of the window.  Check the whiskey again.  Go to bed.  Who the hell
likes  fruitcake anyway?

From Ken –

WISDOM OF THE AGES: A SYNOPSIS.


DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.  Barbara Streisand sings for you. 

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.  You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. 

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  So? 

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it.  It is expensive and sour. 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. 

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.  You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.  You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.  Your stock goes up. 

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.  You go to lunch. Life is good. 

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.  They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.  Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.  Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.  While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.  You break for lunch. Life is good. 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows.  You have some more vodka.  You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. 

POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.  Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.  Everyone votes for the best looking one.  Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.  Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.  Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one. 

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.  You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas .

From Heather –

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it  is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than live horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And the favorite ....
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

From Bobby –

The Shape Of Things to Come?

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."

Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."

Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's  6102049998-45-54610."

Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer: "Whaddya mean?"

Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."

Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"

Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"

Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"

Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."

Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn."

Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"

Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."

Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."

Customer: (Speechless)

Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics.”

From Heather –

Famous quotes...

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- PJ O'Rourke

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.  And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the acts. -- Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- PJ O'Rourke

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. Pericles (430 BC)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain (1866)

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

Talk is cheap--except when Congress does it.   The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. --Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the  handle. --Winston Churchill

From Heather –

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, enough misinformation to satisfy Donald Rumsfeld, and of course, spelling!

_________________________________

1.  Ancient Egypt was old.  It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2.  Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos.  He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

3.  Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.  He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible.  It sounds like he was sort of busy too.

4.  The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks also had myths.  A myth is a young female moth.

5.  Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  They killed him.  He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6.  In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.  The games were messier then than they show on TV now.

7.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."

8.  Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.  The English and French still have problems.

9.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

10.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.  Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

11.  The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He never made much money
and is famous only because of his plays.  He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

12.  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.  They lived in Italy.  Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that I'm sure.  You know how Italian fathers are.

13.  Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

14.  Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  He was a naturalist for sure.  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15.  Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

16.  Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very large.

17.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

18.  The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

19.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist.  He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

20.  Madman Curie discovered radio.  She was the first woman to do what she did.  Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.  Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.  Karl made speeches and started revolutions.  Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

Who says that only our kids in California are not well educated!

From Heather –

New Virus

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK". If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

From Josh –

Impeach the warmonger, George Bush.
Press Tom Daschle to run for President with the Dixie Chicks as his security advisors.
Barbara Striesand could be VP and Alec Baldwin the secretary of State, Woody Harrelson the secretary of Defense And Jock SHIRAQ in charge of foreign affairs.
Peewee Herman could be the house speaker between his movie engagements.
Big Bird could be Treasury Secretary and Kermit could replace Alan Greenspan.

Sound wild? It sounds better than what your democrats in Congress would like to see!

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to doctor Cohen. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

Doctor Cohen walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"

From Heather –

Redneck Engineer Test

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard: 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on
secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down a "Yea. Why?"

The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."

TO ERR IS HUMAN,

BUT...(COMPUTER ERROR) Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

A man living in Newton, Massachusetts received a bill on his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He threw it away. In April he received another and tossed that one, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.

In retrospect, he probably should have let them do that. Instead he called the company and was informed that (are you ready for this)? the problem was the result of a computer error. They told him they'd take care of it.

The following month he reasoned that, if other charges appeared on the card, then it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament.. Besides, they assured him the problem would be resolved. So he presented his card for a purchase. It was declined.

Once again he called. He learned that the credit card had been canceled for lack of payment. They apologized for (here it is again) another computer error and promised they would rectify the situation.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that this bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it. But the following month he received yet another bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account in full or the company would take necessary steps to recover the debt.

He gave in. He mailed in a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed it and returned a statement to the effect that his account was paid in full.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him why he wrote a check for $0.00. He explained the problem at length. The bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 caused a computer crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced, that he still owed $0.00 and, unless payment was sent immediately, they would institute procedures to collect his debt.

This man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Who said, "To err is human, but to really mess things up it takes a computer..."?

Computers may not be the root of all evil, but some days I'm convinced they come close.....

Teaching Math in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price,
or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger  makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es........

Man, ain't that the truth!

The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives, and Texans

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.  What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family getaway while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:

BANG!

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy!  Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

I loved this one!  Reminds me of what Dick Cheney said during the whole Clinton - Monica debacle....

A reporter asked Cheney what position he would take if he were in Clinton's situation...

He told the reporter that if he were in Clinton's situation, his position would be "lying on the floor in a pool of blood hearing my wife say 'How do you reload this damn thing?'".

Aircraft Mechanics

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.):

(P = The problem logged by the pilot).

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely
walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons
left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Question Time

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions.

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth- why did the bell go off 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

For computer geeks only

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the
socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

then your situation's hopeless, and your systems gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame, sir.
We'll have to find you another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol

that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the effects of some gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and you'll go out with a bang,

Cause sure as I'm a poet, that sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy of your floppy is on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom,
So quick turn off the computer, and be sure to tell yer mom!

Wisdom for your daughter

The Potatoes

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise and eat well so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow, and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.........................

Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
OK! Here it is! A COMMON TATER.

Hillary's Book .....quotes from Late night shows

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House.  In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breath, I was gulping for air.'  No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." - David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it.  But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date."  - Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."  -  Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."  - Jay Leno "

"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter.  Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write."  Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."  -  David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."  - Jay Leno

"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."  - Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."  - David Letterman

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful.  Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."  - Jay Leno

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.

The police officer (who also happened to be blonde woman) asked for the blonde's driver's license.  The driver frantically searched her purse, eventually pausing to ask the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror at the bottom.  She held it up to her face and said, "Ah! This must be my driver's license," and she handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go.  And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline & cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion, 30 years younger.

Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!!!

Only in America

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.  Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics:

An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job???

YOUTH COUNSELOR!!!!

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?????

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who
also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

LITTLE KNOWN NAVAL HISTORY

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum."

Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England.

In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, and though unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn.

Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, NO rum, NO wine, NO whiskey and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

Some of you worldly old buggers will remember the old Hollywood Squares game show in the 70's ... the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. There are a few good lines here ...

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes ...

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter ... and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee! .

Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: They do if you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use this logic.......
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you
eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's
time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed
its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales
person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to
immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Since doing this, my phone calls have decreased dramatically.
(3) Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them
guessing! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is
cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase
postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE
E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS.

Playing marriage game by boys' rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Here are the rules from the male side somewhere in cyberspace. These are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not contests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever! Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1.We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes — tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of 30, would look good with your dress?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil. Please.

1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act as if nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. I have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. ....

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

  Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

  Woman: Oh, I see.

  Officer: Can I see your license please?

  Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

  Officer: Don't have one?

  Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

  Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

  Woman: I can't do that.

  Officer: Why not?

  Woman: I stole this car.

  Officer: Stole it?

  Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

  Officer: You what?

  Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see.

  The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls
  for back up.  Within minutes, five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

  The woman steps out of her vehicle.

  Woman: Is there a problem sir?

  Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

  Woman: Murdered the owner?

  Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The   woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

  Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

  Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

  The officer is quite stunned.

  Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

  The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

  Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

  Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They left the restaurant, after finishing their meal.  The elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them, until they were back on the road. By then, they had to travel quite a distance, before they could find a place to turn around.   The elderly woman and grouchy old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He just wouldn't let up one minute. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her   glasses, the geezer yelled to her,.............
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."

When you go fishing, you want to look for this snake!

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seed a snake wit a big frog in his mout.

He knowed that them big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie.

That snake, hit be a cottn mouthed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behind the snake and grabbed him roun the haid.

That ole snake din't lik dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get himself free.

But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried hit's mout open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows that he! cain't let go dat snake or hit's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reached into the back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint o'moonshine likker. He pours a couple of draps into the snakes mout.

Well, that snake's eyeballs roll back in hits haid and hits body limp.

Wit dat Boudreaux toss's dat snake into the bayou den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout.

It seems a teacher was arrested at our airport today. She was caught trying to board a plane with a metal protractor, a straight edge, and a compass. She was charged with possession of weapons of math instruction.

More of: What Children Say

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...." "What? " I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You
had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Daaaaad.."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later..
"Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come
in or stay out!'"
________________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
_________________________________________________

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" ________________________________________________

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

“Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." _________________________________________________

One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: “Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rodney asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Rodney asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married".

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".
The lady says "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position- the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife- and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's
going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a great place of opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've place a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot while this one will be cold and covered with ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, lakes, hills and forests. The ground is rich and fertile and the crops will be bountiful. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving and they will be known throughout
the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then asked, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God wisely replied, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks
him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have
an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about
that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute ... and says, "I have a friend
who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out
in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his
gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream of
water. He raised his umbrella and went; "Bang, bang," and the beaver fell
over dead. What do you think about that?

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Reasons for birth contol

1.  A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.  ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.  If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.  A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.  If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.  You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.  The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh,"  it's already too late.

8.  Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.  A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.  Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11.  Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.  Super glue is forever.

13.  No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.  Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.  VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.  Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.  Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.  You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19.  Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.  The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.  The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.  It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.  Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Police Answering Machine:
"Hello, you have reached the _____Police Department Voice Mail. Pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select one of the following options:
- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for

yourself, press 1.
- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.
- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.
- If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.
- If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.
- If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.
- To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.
- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge, that you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.
- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head and turn around three times."

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")   The pig is sounding better all the time! 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending  the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied.... "those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks...so he asked again "are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says....."I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.  As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would  not let him pass.... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted,    "COLDWATER! GET OUT OF THE WAY! "

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army base to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

The Dayton Daily News published the winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition. Here is the 1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of Eugene, Oregon.

"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst. Especially when the machine catches on fire. That's what happened to me. The technician, Gail, positioned me exactly as she wanted me (think a really complicated game of Twister - right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far away as humanly possible from the rest of your body). Then she clamped the machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out. I'm pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise. I looked down at my right breast to make sure it hadn't exploded. Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly. These are perhaps, the words you least want to hear from any health professional. Suddenly, she came flying past me, her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door. She yelled over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't have escaped. I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung (the one that was still working). I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic proportions. But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the partition.

"This is ridiculous," I thought. I can't die like this. What would they put in my obituary? Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate. An imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet. "Howdy, ma'am," he said. "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.

"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"

In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.

She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine. "Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened. Why don't you take a few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said. I was running across the parking lot in my backless paper gown at the time. After I'd relaxed for a few years, I figured I might go back. But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.

Two Iranians meet in California. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country.

The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"

Recall to duty?

I know many a retiree in our area that would love to be recalled.  In fact, they would love to be young enough and fit enough to be recalled.  Below is one man's comments on the situation:

Just in case the Commander-In-Chief decides to recall any of us retirees, 

                                 I have been trying on the old uniforms.

I want to be ready. 

So far only the socks fit.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

It was the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the new kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject.

Later in the school yard, the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushed and said, "No, my dad raises money for the Democratic Party, but I was just too embarrassed to say it."

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Special Notice from Carnival Cruise Lines!!!

Afghanistan Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special
Offer for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, “Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay... at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Monica Lewinsky as recreation director, Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!

DO AS THE FRENCH DO!

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states."

The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."

There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door.   Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady.  So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"

Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day.  Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord!  Lord, I have no food and I am starving.  Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.  "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord!  He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning,  I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled, dry and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face!  What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of moments, then calmly says, "Well, one thing I can tell you for sure is there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

I've finally found a doctor who gives useful health and nutrition advice that makes sense.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That would be like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: no Pain...Good!!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello..... Cocoa beans.... Another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... Flour is a veggie!

One more thing .... "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt."

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son :

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES.

Love Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son :

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Bubba

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,  Alex."

”Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in  the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the  9:45 or the 11:15?"

U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld apologized today for referring to France and Germany as an "Axis of Weasels."

"I'm sorry about that Axis of Weasels remark," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "I didn't mean to dredge up the history France and Germany share of pathetic compliance with ruthless dictators."

The Defense Secretary said he was "way out of bounds" with the comments. "I should have known better than to remind people that these two nations--which live in freedom thanks only to the righteous might of America, Britain and their allies--that these nations are morally and politically bankrupt, and have failed to learn the lessons of history," he said.

"It really was an inappropriate thing to say--you know, the Axis of Weasels thing. I really should not have called them the Axis of Weasels. I think it's the 'Weasels' part that was most offensive...you know, when I said that France and Germany form an Axis of Weasels. Of course, I'm so sorry."

The Defense Secretary continued, "I want it to be known that no other man holds the weasel in as high a regard as I do, and I'll be the first to point out the crucial role this noble creature plays in our ecosystem. I went way over the line comparing the weasel to a bunch of rude, unwashed, leftist Euroweenie surrender monkeys who change their underwear once a month whether they need to or not. And I just did it again, didn't I? I just insulted the monkeys. I'm quitting while I'm ahead."

Why We Love Kids

*I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
-------
* My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming* little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
--------
* On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
---------
* A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four- year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's* hitting the bottle."
---------
* A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter; haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
---------
** POLICE # 1
* While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as* she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

** POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

** ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

** DRESS~UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

** DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he
thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn..and into the hole he gooooes."

** SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

** BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear"?

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached. Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dugout a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left. The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said,
       "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny- well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair starts shouting: 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.  Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit sitting on your knee."

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

You must sing this! 

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
Becomes stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Uses his sword in a fight,
That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine
And you tie up her line,
That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest,
That's some more "A"s!

When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.

A comedian ham
With the name Amsterdam,
That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed,
That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff,
That's "No more!", EH?!

You live in California when:

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York when:

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Alaska when:

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when:

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

You live in Colorado when:

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up "Granola" on the way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when:

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when:

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. You don't know how to vote

Subject: EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".  Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k".  Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by f".  This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publ! ik! akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".  

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas    

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident." 

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. & Mrs. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident.

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat.  Just before take off, an American got on and took   the aisle seat. After take off, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

"No problem," said the American, "I'll get it for  you."

While he was gone, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one, too."

Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Arab picked up the  other  shoe and spat in it. When the American returned to his  seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet  into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it always have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "GET OFF THE CORNER NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good, chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.  By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.  This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.  I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake.  "Actually, my story is much the same as yours.  I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.  Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.  So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.  The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French

Democrat Spin

Tipper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Gore, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.  The only known photograph of Chadsworth Gore shows him standing on the gallows.  On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Chadsworth Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times.  Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting Al Gore and his staff of professional image consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the bio sketch was sent to the Associated Press as follows:

"Chadsworth Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history.  His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad.  Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. "In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.  In 1889, Chadsworth Gore passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

And thus passed the very first "Hanging Chad."

WORDS OF WISDOM

  1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

  4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

  5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

  6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

  7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

  8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

  9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

  10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

  11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

  12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

  13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

  14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

  15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

  16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

  17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

  18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

  19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

  20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

  21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

  22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

  23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

  24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

  25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

TIME AND MONEY

Epstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . .
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Epstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Epstein asks, " Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

A Dr. Story

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Real Headlines

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies

Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While

War Dims Hope for Peace

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Man is Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation

Tree Hugger

A rich lady from California who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland in a wilderness area. Centered on her land, was a huge old tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.  In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor.

Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The angry lady demanded. "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

Bill and his blonde wife live in Cheyenne, Wyoming. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today, so you must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." 

Bill's wife goes out and  immediately moves her car to the even numbered side of the street.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.  However, this week, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." 

Bill's wife goes out and immediately moves her car again, this time to the odd numbered side of the street.  

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park.....", then there   is an electric power failure and the radio goes silent.

Bill's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."  

Bill says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
~~
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
~~
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
~~
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
~~
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
~~
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they
would show up again."

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A light bulb?

GOLDEN RETRIEVER:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about  a stupid burned out bulb? 

BORDER COLLIE:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

DACHSHUND:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER:
Make me.

LAB:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

TIBETAN TERRIER:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy!

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

DOBERMAN:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

BOXER:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

CHIHUAHUA:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

IRISH WOLFHOUND:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover....

POINTER:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

GREYHOUND:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

HOUND DOG: 
ZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z..z..z..z...z

CATS:
Dogs do not change light  bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF... 

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States."

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked  "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long fight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this, If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E- mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows - all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and, comes down with four?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

An Alabamian, a Michiganer and a Wisconsinite are in a bar having a beer.  The Michiganer drinks his beer and suddenly throws the glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.  He says, "In Michigan our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice."

The Wisconsinite (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.  He says, "In Wisconsin we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Alabamian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Michiganer and the Wisconsinite.   He says," In Alabama we have so many Michiganers and Wisconsinites that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.  (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"

You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty...do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

A cowboy at a bar in Gallup, NM orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "I have two brothers. One is in Flagstaff, the other in Farmington. I'm in Gallup. When we left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender tells him it is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "We don't want to intrude on your grief, but we wanted to offer our condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.  Hasn't affected my brothers though."

The Ice Fishing Contest

Once upon a time, and not so long ago, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democrat presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a weeklong ice fishing competition seemed the manly way to
settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch, for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has ten fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has no fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day, George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton asks Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

And Al says, "He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"

BEING TERRIBLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT 



A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as one of our greatest liberties . . . And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

A Funeral Home

Who said morticians had no sense of humor?

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them. While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

Now the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they each agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs.The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (which was the only vehicle they had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, but if they're rolling in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again! This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed.

He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing."

The wife looked out the window and then yelled back, "Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Redneck Valentine’s Day Poem

Collards is green,
 my dog's name is Blue
 and I'm so lucky
 to have a sweet thang like you.

 Yore hair is like cornsilk
 a-flapping in the breeze.
 Softer than Blue's
 and without all them fleas.

 You move like the bass,
 which excite me in May.
 You ain't got no scales
 but I luv you anyway.

 Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
 jist a-fry'n in the pan.
 Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
 right out of the can.

 You have some'a yore teeth,
 for which I am proud;
 I hold my head high
 when we're in a crowd.

 On special occasions,
 when you shave under yore arms,
 well, I'm in hawg heaven,
 and awed by yore charms.

 Still them fellers at work,
 they all want to know,
 what I did to deserve
 such a purdy, young doe.

 Like a good roll of duct tape
 yo're there fer yore man,
 to patch up life's troubles
 and fix what you can.

 Yo're as cute as a junebug
 a-buzzin' overhead.
 You ain't mean like those far ants
 I found in my bed.

 Cut from the best cloth
 like a plaid flannel shirt,
 you spark up my life
 more than a fresh load of dirt.

 When you hold me real tight
 like a padded gunrack,
 my life is complete;
 Ain't nuttin' I lack.

 Yore complexion, it's perfection,
 despite all the years,
 yore age, it keeps hidin'.

 Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
 with a RC cold drank,
 we go together
 like a skunk goes with stank.

 Some men, they buy chocolate
 for Valentine's Day;
 They git it at Wal-Mart,
 it's romantic that way.

 Some men git roses
 on that special day
 from the cooler at Kroger.
 "That's impressive," I say.

 Some men buy fine diamonds
 from a flea market booth.
 "Diamonds are forever,"
 they explain, suave and couth.

 But for this man, honey,
 these won't do.
 Cause yor'e too special,
 you sweet thang you.

 I got you a gift,
 without taste nor odor,
 more useful than diamonds...
 IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

 Luv, from yor romeo

Things I've learned about Alabama.....

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 500 types of snakes and 498 of 'em live in Alabama.

Possums will eat anything.

Armadillos love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fix'nto is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.

Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.

'Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

More Alabamaisms:

You know you're from Alabama if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

11. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

13. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

14. You know whether another Alabamian is from east, west, north or south Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.

15. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "a goin' wal-martin" or off to "Wally World."

16. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

17. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop ... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?"

18. Seefaysa is a word. Example..."Seefaysa pen on the table over yonder".

MORE Helpful Hints from Martha Stewart

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

4.Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

5. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

7. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.   At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.  "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"  Asks one of the Yankees.  

"Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.  They all board the train.

The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please.  "The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three southerners don't buy any ticket at all.  "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says 
one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and learn," answers the men from the South.  When they board the train the three Northerners cram themselves
into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.  Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves their toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says,  "Ticket please."

(And I'm still trying to figure out how we, the South lost that war!)

A gastroenterologist/proctologist claims that these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

Our boys in uniform

A LETTER FROM A Marine, NOW AT CAMP PENDLETON

Dear Ma & Pa;

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt &Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt &Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says
are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around &frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt &Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt &Elmer to hurry &join before other fellers get into this setup &come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

”You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.  Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "The son-of-a-bitch is such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit"

Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii for a Thanksgiving vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde - wearing a string bikini this time came walking toward them.

Again she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes," she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests?"

"Father ... it's me, Sister Helen."

Globalization -

Question: What is the height of globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on
Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by a Honky, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese.

And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by a Chinese!

That's Globalization!!!

An eighty-year-old woman goes to the Doctor for a check up. She was required to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the Doctor was looking through these he came across Birth Control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are Birth Control pills"? he said.

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"But Mrs. Smith there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!"

"I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old grand daughter drinks, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Senior moments

Three old guys are walking down the street.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Lets go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

An 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280.  Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.  He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.

Spell Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile,
he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,  "Before you
tell that joke, sir, you should know five things...
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt  in  karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde, and she is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she is a  professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that  joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, 
"Nah...Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Subject: A man with no last name

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut! case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your l! last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry! was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found ; >out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears laughing.

Top 8 Morons of 2002

1. Will the real dummy please stand up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. With a little help from our friends:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."


3. What was plan b???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4. The getaway!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. Let's be clear about this...
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the police line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man (who had as yet not been identified) shouted, "That's not what I said!"


6. Are we communicating??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"


7. Not the sharpest tool in the shed!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellllllooooooo!)


8. The grand finale (I love this one!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Now remember... This is true .... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place,
was the trailer.

Oh, these are sooooo bad....

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from
morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

Subject: Winders 2000

Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2000 Southern
Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside of  the state of Georgia. If
you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen; it reads:
"Winders 2000," with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on the
Grand ol' Opry.

Please also note the following:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse."
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption."
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys."
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard."
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive."
Floppies are "Them lil' ol' plastic thangs."
Instead of an error message, "Duct tape" pops up.

The following changes of terminology are in the Southern
Edition:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset...............try'er agin
Yes..................yep
No...................nope
Find.................hunt fer it
Go to...............over yonder
Back................back yonder
Help.................hep me out here
Stop.................kwitit
Start.................crank'er up
Settings.............settins
Programs..........stuff at duz stuff
Documents.......stuff ah done did

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 2000:
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.............a graphics program
Cyferin' mersheen.......calculator
Outhouse paper..........notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft Explorer 6.0
Pitchers.......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the
Southern Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps ya'll!
Billy Bob Gates

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"

Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

Red Buttons said, Sure, I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 but....thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

2003 EXERCISE PROGRAM

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you."
I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
  Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.
Whew!  What a workout! You are invited to use my program without charge

Now, you know about our Government



Confessions of a travel agent!!!!
The following are actual  stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel agent of 30+  years:

I  had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so  that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got  a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information.
She  interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown  is in
Massachusetts."

Without trying to make her look like the stupid  one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in
Massachusetts, Capetown is in  Africa."
Her response ...(click).

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong  with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando  is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!"

I got a call from a Lawmaker’s Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a  car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only 1-hour lay-over in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her  flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could  not understand
the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they  know who's luggage belongs to who?"

I said, "No, why do you ask?"

She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude?"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it"  (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to  fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him  he needed a visa.

"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American
Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

“Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every
airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it!  I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!

Now you know why the government is in the shape that it's  in!

Truisms -

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that
this has already happened.

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million dollars in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

(this is good...)

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

New Virus

Just got this in from a reliable source.  It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus, that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those of us who were born before 1958!  (I think that includes you and me!!)
===========================================
Symptoms of Senile Virus
1.  Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2.  Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3.  Causes you to send to wrong person.
4.  Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5.  Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6.  Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the

This could keep you alive! This is why math is taught in school.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing a man to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ...I think not.

Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.

She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.

I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' halfbrother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.

But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still...

You cain't marry Will, my gal.
And please don't tell your Mother,

But Will and Joe and several mo
I know is yo' halfbrother."

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy

More titles from the Thinnest Book Series

20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver
18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT a Travel Guide
9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by DR J. Kevorkian
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ......
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by
The Rev. Jessie Jackson

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazyass he gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!

A woman renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a .....?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."

"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"What is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research
Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't?) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model (a 6-month old baby) in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."

Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the Field of Child
Development and Human Relations" and great-grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes aunts "Associate Research Assistants."

Where to live?

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.  The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"OmiGod....  I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered.  "They've got race riots, drugs.  The highest crime rate....."

"Hold on," said the first.  "I've been in L.A all my life, and its not  bad as the media says.  Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it.  .....What do you do for a living?"

"...Me?" said the first, "...I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

THE LITTLE HOUSE BEHIND THE HOUSE
One of my bygone recollections as I recall days of yore,
Is the little house, behind the house with the crescent on the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder with your head bowed down so low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there If you didn't have to go.

Ours was a three-holer with a size for every one.
You left there feeling better after your usual job was done.
You had to make these frequent trips whether snow, or rain, or fog--
To the little house where was usually found a Sears & Roebuck catalog.

Oft times in dead of winter the seat was covered with snow.
’Twas then with much reluctance to the little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear the seat and then bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth as you settled on your rear.

I recall the day that Grandpa, who stayed with us one summer,
Made the trip down to the shanty house which proved to be a bummer.
'Twas the same day that my Dad had finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he's made with some rags and gasoline.

He tossed the rags down the shanty hole and went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so he would eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house lingers in my memory yet.

He sat down on the wooden seat, both feet squarely on the floor.
Then filled his pipe with tobacco and struck a match upon the door.
After the Tobacco had began to glow, he slowly raised his rear:
And tossed the flaming match into the hole, with not a sign of fear.

The Blast that followed I am sure, was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Grandpa just a'sitting on the ground.
The smoldering pipe still in his mouth, his suspenders he held tight;
Our celebrated three-holer was blown clear out of sight.

When we asked what had happened, his answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must have been something that he had recently et!
Next day we had a new one which my Dad had built with ease.
With a sign upon the entrance door which read: No Smoking, Please!

Now that's the end of the story, remembered from long ago,
Of the little house, behind the house where we went when we "had to go!"
Time has come and time has gone, the privy's been replaced,
But we will never forget the day it shot in to outer space.

Five surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a Psychiatrist. The doctor  gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.
When he walks through the door, his wife comes to greet him.

He tells her, "From now on, I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want dinner on the table.

Now, get upstairs and lay out some clothes on the bed because  I'm going out with the guys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker." she replies.

Bubba & Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock.  We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.  "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking', OK?" said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When the reached the roadblock, the sheriff said,"You boys been drinkin?"
"No sir," Earl said.  "We're on the patch."

GRANDMA'S LETTER

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

What a price for ribs

God said unto Adam " You have been quiet lately - is there something wrong? Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.  So God said that He would make him a companion and that it would be a woman.

And God said "A woman will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make.  She will bear children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.  She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have a disagreement.  She will never get a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you want"

Adam asked, "What will it cost me?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg".

Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

NOW YOU KNOW THE REST OF THE STORY

To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Arkansas and Alabama on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a Bud Light and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34 th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your Negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member of North American
Fairies and Elves, Union 1225

Subject: Hillary Clinton - very interesting.

  The Democratic National Committee is currently
polling Americans through the Internet to determine
the elect ability of Hillary Clinton for the Presidency
of the United States in 2004.
  If you would like to show your support for Hillary and
encourage her to run for President of the United States
in 2004 please click the link below.

http://www.acsu.buffalo.edu/~kinho/youare.swf

If you don't support Hillary check out the site anyway.
It is interesting.

INFORMATION YOU MADE NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN.

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."  Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.  But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache.  What should I do?
A. Take the medication and poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

George Bush and Osama Bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.  They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a twelve foot long Dachshund.  Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew
there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled
over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of his dog. Osama came up to Bush shaking his head in disbelief.

"We don't understand how this could have happened.  We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

10 Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is really out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident ... I haven't had the heart to clean it."

10. Mix one quarter cup pine scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. One of the best pieces of advice YOUR mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Dear Abby--Never Answered
 The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)
admitted she was at a total loss to answer:

Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It 's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for  2 1/2 years. He must be crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried  for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short tempered. Do you think she is going through her mental pause?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to  a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor ---- What now?

Why Assume They Have Brains?

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(The actual Associated Press headline)

Kim Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.  One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.  He noticed that Kim's eyes were now open, and she looked
very strange.  He asked her if she was okay, and Kim replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.  The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Kim refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Kim had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head.  When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.  She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for
over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.  And, yes, Kim is a blonde.

Bill Gates Haiku's

"In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. This poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful
insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

AFTERTHOUGHT...
There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility.
Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

Mark Twain

"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."

Senior Moments. . .

1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? "

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository? " She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is. "

2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of
diarrhea, not gonorrhea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was. "

3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:
"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth

$50, 000 . . . please advise" The old man faxed back:
"Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall! "

5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying? "

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2: 00 a. m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live! "

6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. . . . . I know we've been friends for a long time. . . but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know? "

So, That’s How It’s Done!

A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?

" She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor doesn't tell me shit!

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

Christmas shopping guide for the man in your life.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?"

"OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, He wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "Some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Tickets to a pro sports game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

These are, um, pretty silly chuckles…

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
31. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
32. Hear about the man who ran into a screen door and strained himself.

There was a Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: 

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one  that belongs to you and send the rest back."

http://teamhouse.tni.net/hilltech.html

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father".

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." 

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."  

The priest getting impatient said "I am the  Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his  book.  The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and  said: "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!! Zeb went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise

Dick Peltonman walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and decked him.

A few minutes later as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. The man said, "She's a horse's ass, too."

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and
understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited
me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a
good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

A TRUE SENIOR MOMENT........
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

“Yes," the man said.

He turned toward the  kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that  restaurant we went to last night?"

No Matter how you feel about Bush, oil, or war – you gotaa love this!

Top 10 Ways to know if you are using a Redneck's Computer...

10. The monitor is up on little blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have toebacky stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to four.
5. Every password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the side of the computer.
3. There's a Skoal can used for your beverage coaster.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as the "critter."

For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had  set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty.... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

You Know You're In Trouble When...

A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
The little league puts you on waivers.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked "Zurich".
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an arc.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
>Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Bad Morning

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here,! there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone
was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . . . all of them hit the floor and broke." Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . . . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

A guy named Joe received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary!  Every other word was an expletive.  Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.  Joe tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example!  But, nothing worked!  He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.  He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Joe put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he head the bird squawk, kick and scream. Then,
suddenly, there was quiet.  Not a sound for half a minute. Joe was frightened that he may have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out on to Joe's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.  I am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Joe was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,  "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink  whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets  mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

Getting senile

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.  They walk down the street to their old school.  There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they had shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.  She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.  There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying.  She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

A man was out walking one day and went by a  retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer, he saw they were all stark naked. He went to the front door and rang the bell. When the director answered, the man asked if he realized he had nine naked old ladies in his front yard.

The director said, "Yes, I know. They all live here. They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

God Bless the Irish

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hello, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

God Bless the Irish!

Living with a six year old

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 6-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Leggos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachute.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like to bake at 350.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.

The Positive Side Of Life –

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
--------------------------------------------------------------

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk."

HORMONE HOSTAGE

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Top 9 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Pack My Stuff
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid Section
5 People Make Me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Plainly; Men Suck
10 Please; More Salt

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is
BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the  past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light  bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE
PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out her window, she noticed that the water was still rising. Two men passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied, "the Lord will provide."

The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."

So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats."

Diesel Fitter

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. As Ole stepped up, the clerk asked his occupation. Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied.

Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The Clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts them over his head and says, 'Yah, diesel fitter.'"

For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little secret I’ve found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish to adopt this regimen three days a week or so.

I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.

After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally 100-lb. potato sacks.

Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

Terrorists –

Now I understand

Lots of people seem to be wondering why Arab terrorists are so willing to commit suicide?  Let's see if we can clear this up for you a bit:

No sex.
No booze.
No bars.
No television.
No radio.
No Internet.
No music.
No organized sports, stadiums or tailgate parties.
Actually, no tailgates.
No Hooters.
No meat from a pig.
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight.

Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe your rear only with your left.
Corn on the cob's gotta be a problem!  Like life isn't complicated enough already.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and no doctors.
You can't shave.
You can't shower.  Sort of makes that left hand thing kind of important huh?
Bar-B-Q donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
All this and you're taught that when you die it all gets better!

Geeez who the hell wouldn't go for it?

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

Women Who Read

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.  It's likely she can also think.

Me Want Coffee

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into
the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Manage-ment job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

This was written by a black guy in Texas.......so funny.....what a great sense of humor!!

When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I  go in sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die,  I still black.

You white folks...... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you  red. When you cold, you blue. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you  bruised you purple. And when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored?

A boy rode on a donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?  If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.

Dr. Seuss says:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disc abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, “cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting stoppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your MOM!

DC Nativity Scene

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s capitol.

There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

1ST ANNUAL DUH AWARDS!!!

     "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.  --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
                 [and her hair color is...?]

  "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"     -- Mariah Carey
            [now we know why she's such a sensitive actress]

  "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
   ---Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti
smoking campaign.

  "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
    -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

     "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
                [it helps to read crime stats when you're stoned]

  "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"  -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

  "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"   -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

   "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
  [just because they've been here 10,000 years you'd think they had rights or something]

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark [Danny was never really good at the stats part of baseball]

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

  "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle    [days like this....
I really miss Dan]

   "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or  another"
    -- George Bush, US President

  "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
  -- Lee Iacocca   [not all of us can afford mink-lined oxygen masks, Lee]

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
  [Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie....L - I - E - D]

   "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

  "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
             -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

   "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
         - Bill Clinton, President

    "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
           -- Al Gore, VP

   "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
                     -- Keppel Enderbery

   "The loss of life will be irreplaceable."    -- Dan Quayle

     "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
    -- Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]

  "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
                      -- Dan Quayle, VP

   "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
       -- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]

    "Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
    -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
             [right after you call the New York Times]

  "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated
that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force We meant,
of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
   -- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

    "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
  And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
   -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman  [and they'll cut off your food stamps]

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >
> >  She thought a quarterback was a refund.
> >
> > She thought General Motors was in the army.
> >
> > She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
> >
> >  She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
> >
> >  At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote
> > "Sagittarius.".
> >
> > She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >
> > She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
> >
> > She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
> >
> > She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
> >
> >  She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
> >
> >  Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
> >
> > She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >
> > She tripped over a cordless phone.
> >
> > She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said,
> > "Concentrate".
> >
> > She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
> >
> > She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
> >
> > She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
> >
> > She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >
> > She studied for a blood test.
> >
> > She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
> >
> > She sold the car for gas money.
> >
> > When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
> >
> > When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left,"
> she
> > turned around and went home.
> >
> > She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
> >
> > When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
> >
> >  She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
> >
> > She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
> >
> > She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
> >
> > She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes
> In
> > Front"

An Illinois farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Handgun's Top Ten


   Top 10 reasons why a Handgun is better than a Woman


   10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.

    9. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

    8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed
        and let you try a few rounds with it.

    7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

    6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

    5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space and doesn't require 200
        pairs of shoes..

    4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

    3. A handgun won't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

    2. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done using it.

    AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

    1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun!

WHY WE FORWARD JOKES

This explains it....

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."  The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." 

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.  After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use heaven's name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:  When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?  You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

To let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, and you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile...  :>)

Have a great day!

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones, nonetheless their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than......................Punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..............Daylight Savings Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Subject: Kids

Gotta love kids!!!

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones, nonetheless their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than......................Punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the ...........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..............Daylight Savings Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...........how?

Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new..............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.............................me.

The pen is mightier than the................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry .....and you have to blow your nose

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you........see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite: Better late than....................pregnant.

About last night...

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong
urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,
and  what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you
started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you
drove me near crazy while you drained me.  Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no
avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events.  My body
still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

...you damn mosquito.


Get your minds out of the gutter!

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the
performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Reverend Jesse Jackson Walked Into The Appliance Section Of A Sears Store, Looked Around, Then Shouted, "I Want To See The Manager Right Now!"

The Manager Of The Department Came Out And Said, "How Can I Help You, Reverend?"

Jess Replied, "I Want To Know Why All Of Your Washing Machines Are White?"

The Manager Immediately Flipped Open All The Lids Of The Washing Machines And Said, "Reverend Jackson, Yes - All Of The Washing Machines Are White, But If You Look Inside, You'll Find That All Of The Agitators Are Black!!"

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not," he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the fence of the cemetery. One day, two boys filled a bucket with pecans and then sat down by the tree...out of sight...and began dividing up the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"one boy said.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Then another boy came down the road, riding his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was!

"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing up the souls at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Around a bend in the road, he met an old man walking with a cane.

"Come quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I just heard! Satan and the Lord are at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The old man said, "Beat it kid...can't you see that it's hard for me to walk."

The boy insisted though so the old man hobbled to the cemetery.

As they stood by the fence they heard..."One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy..you're telling' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself."

Shaking with fear and excitement...they peered through the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard..."One for you, one for me." Then there was one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts over by the fence, and we'll be done."

...They say that the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike!

Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greets her at the Pearly Gates. 

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" sayeth God.

"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.

While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.

The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still she says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.

She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life led. But here in heaven all I get
to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand...”

"God sighs. "Let's be honest," he says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced  back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" To which the man replied,
"Got here in two, didn't I?"

He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study, where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair. "Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.

"The rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but ocasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

(You're gonna hate me for this...)

She sells C cells at the sea shore!

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by
saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the
truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your
religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes,
I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said,
"Better than pork, isn't it?!"

A salesman was traveling between towns in California and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too.

His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do," replied the salesman. "You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

”A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Go to Hell!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Republican."

The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he was a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that
continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells, "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray'-ter : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl' : What a bullfighter tries to do.
Bernadette burn'-a-det' : The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize' : What a crook sees with.
Control kon'-trol : A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown'-ter-fit'-ers : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse ee-klips' : What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur : A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee-rhos' : What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk' : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis-tee' : How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks' : Two physicians.
Parasites par'-ih-sites' : What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist : A helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize' : What penguins see with.
Primate pri'-mate' : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef' : What trees do in the spring.
Selfish sel'-fish' : What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood' : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed' : Brought litigation against a government official.

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.

WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear view mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."

The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important." 

"It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush is it?" asked the chief.

"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"

"No, replied the trooper,  "Even more important."

"Well, WHO the HECK is it?" screamed the chief.

The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"

One day a Catholic, a Baptist, and a Charismatic all died unexpectedly. They showed up at the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter had a problem on his hands, Their quarters were just not ready yet due to the fact that neither was expected for some time and he had no where to put them.

So he called upon Satan and asked him if he could house them for a couple of days until he could make other arrangements. Satan reluctantly agreed.

The next day Satan called up Saint Peter all agitated. "Pete, You have got to get these guys out of here! The Catholic has forgiven everyone, the Baptist has saved everyone and the Charismatic has already collected enough money to put in air conditioning!"

CAJUN AIRLINES

Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff.  Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knock unconscious.  Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky.  He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210.  Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry a bout nuttin.  We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee!  Jus leave anyting ta us. Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah'm from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time.  He say, "Countin Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!"

A long pause ----- de silence was deafanin.

"We needs to know whoo you next of kin.."

THE NAVY CHIEF!!!

Five junior officers were given an assignment by the base commander to provide him with the height of the main flagpole.  Knowing the dangers associated with ladders and junior officers, the Captain forbid them to climb on anything to make the measurement.

The flagpole was a flurry of activity...the officers ran around with notebooks and calculators, using complicated math formulas to try and ascertain the flagpole's height using the length of its shadow and the position of the sun.  But the calculations did not come out right, no matter how hard they tried. 

Just when they were ready to give up, a salty Chief came walking by.  The Officers quickly told him of their plight, and asked him for help.  The Chief grudgingly agreed to assist.

Cursing under his breath, the Chief studied the situation for a moment, grabbed a measuring tape out of one of the bewildered officers hand, and quickly went to work.  He calmly pulled the flagpole out of its mount, laid it down and measured it.  He then stood the pole back up in its mount, shouted to the officers "15 feet" and walked off.

The Officers were shaking their heads in disbelief.  "Isn't it just like a Chief," one disgusted officer said.  "They are always trying feed you a line.  You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length."

Hits The Nail On The Head! – Thanks, Josh & Marian!

Greetings all,
       Don't feel to sorry for we that are growing old.  The Older, the Richer.

OLD FOLKS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE,
WITH SILVER IN THEIR HAIR,
GOLD IN THEIR TEETH,
STONES IN THEIR KIDNEYS,
LEAD IN THEIR FEET,
AND
GAS IN THEIR STOMACHS

Happy, Safe, and Fun Fourth
Marian and Josh

From Alan -

Remember, this is ONLY a test....
1. Name the Beatles.
   _________________
   _________________
   _________________
   _________________

2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears,  ______ _____!"

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" _____  ______ _____ _____.

4. What do M&M's do? ___ ___  ___ ___, ____ ____ ____ ____

5. What helps build  strong bodies 12 ways?______ _______.

6. Long before  he was Mohammed Ali, we knew him as _______ ______.

7.  You'll wonder where the yellow went, ____ ____ ____ ____  _____ _____    _____."

8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's  "little buddy."
But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend, _____ G.   _______.

9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? ____ _____ _____ _____!

10.  "Brylcream: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ _____."

11. Bob Dylan advised  us never to trust anyone _____ _____.

12. From the early days of  our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this :
   "I wonder, wonder,  wonder...wonder who; ____ ______ _____ _____ _____  ____?"

13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh,  huh...yea; what is it good for? , ____ _____."

14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending battle for truth,  justice, and _____ ____ _____.

15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway _____ _______.

16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to the    finish, ____ _____ ____ ___ ____ ______. I'm Popeye the sailor man."

17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by ______    _______.

18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape, the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
"What we have here, ____ ____ ____ ___ ____."

19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you won't have ____ ____ to kick around anymore.

20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He stood six foot, six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you didn't give no lip, _____ _____ ,  _____ _____ _____."

21. "I found my thrill, _____ _____ _____."

22. ________ ________ said, "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, _____ _____ _____."

23. "Good night, David." "_____ ______,______."

24.  "Liar, liar, ____ ____ _____."

25. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today.
_______! _____ ______ ______ ______."

26. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____ ___ ____."


Answers follow:

ANSWERS:
1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2.  Oh, my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth  with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you.
10.  A little dab'll do ya.
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16.  "cause I eats me spinach"
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to  communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. On Blueberry Hill
22. Jimmy Durante - Wherever you are.
23. Good night, Chet.
24. pants on fire
25. Smile! You're on Candid Camera
26. he is us

SCORING:

24-26 correct - 50+ years old
20-23 correct -  40's
15-19 correct - 30's
10-14 correct - 20's
0- 9 correct -  You're, like, sorta a teenage dude?

MOSES AND THE COMPUTER

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they're important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.  I did send them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"

"They're called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid you would say that, sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why didn't you name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife”

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bar of soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

On a bag of chips:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion)

On packaging for an iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)

On some sleep aid medicine:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)

On Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash!)

On Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery"
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On an Airline's packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

These are actual bloopers from church bulletins...

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,
"Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk wil
l please come early.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green
beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an
egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your
own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of you load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up.

She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says, "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He ignores her again and continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.

Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops.

The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says, "Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette told her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slowly. ("com-for-da-bul").

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "OK hell, I'm in deep shit now." Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine bastard."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh shit, what the hell am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that damned monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He takes a sledge hammer and WHAM! nails Osama's knees.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What the hell did you think I said?"

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests of fish.   The game warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya.  Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and  I take dem home."

"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden and said, "It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you.  It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited.  After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH."

"What fish?”

A Southerner went into the big city for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off. Concerned about the man's fate, the Southerner immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would want to live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled the Southerner. "She divorced me," said the man.

"Remember your children," yelled the Southerner. "They ran away," said the man.

"Remember your parents," yelled the Southerner. "They are dead," said the man.

"Remember Robert E. Lee," yelled the Southerner. "Who is Robert E. Lee?" inquired the man.

"JUMP, you Yankee S.O.B.!"

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.  The man's tie was stained, his face plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.  He opened his newspaper and began reading.  After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and the lack of a bath."

"Well, I'll be ..." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.  "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.  How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous, 24-year-old, blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother..."

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Things to ponder –

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in 0 gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including
glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes this year :-)

AS WOMEN AGE

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger.  When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need.

She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets
home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.  Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement.  When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this.  As long as she finishes up the
laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.  Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally.  Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.  That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take.  A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.  I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.  I know that I
probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying
that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible.  No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort.  I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have
attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine! He mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of death is still under investigation).

"Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down."
- Anonymous

~~~~~

A boy, who was a witness in court, was asked by a lawyer:

"Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"

"Yes, sir."

"I thought so! Who was it?"

"My father, sir."

"And what did he tell you?"

"He said the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, I would be all right."

~~~~~

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

~~~~~

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

GENERAL: 

Never take a beer to a job interview. 

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 

If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:  When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not "bruise" the fruit of the wine.  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE: 

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE: 

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.  However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family): 

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 

Be aggressive.  Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE: 

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS: 

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 

Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling
shirt can create a tacky appearance. 

Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 

When approaching a four-way stop, the Vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

*******************************************************************

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

****************************

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.  Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.  I think I'm going to have a wife!"

***************************

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***************************

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

*****************************

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human, because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A RAT TRAP

A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a rat trap. Retreating to the farmyard the rat proclaimed the warning; “There is a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Excuse me, Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The rat turned to the pig and told him, ”There is a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!”

I am so very sorry Mr. Rat,” sympathized the pig, “but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers.”

The rat turned to the cow. She said, “Like wow, Mr. Rat. A rat trap. I am in grave danger. Duh?”

So the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s rat trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a rat trap catching its prey. The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient.

His wife’s sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer’s wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it doesn’t concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the house, the whole farmyard is at risk.

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS"

I feel safer already . . .

New Office Rules

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks’ notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.  Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
Management

THINGS TO MAKE YOU STOP & THINK:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Random Thoughts

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13) Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine.

14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

21) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!

24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod).

25) Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

27) Procrastinate Now

28) Rehab Is for Quitters

29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

30) I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?

31) Computer programmers don't byte; they nibble a bit.

32) Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15

33) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

34) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

35) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

36) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

37) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

38) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

39) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

40) Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog

41) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on.

42) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

43) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

44) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

45) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

46) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

47) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

48) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

49) The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

It’s Broke! Fix It!

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...."Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

You Know You're From Arizona When...

1. You buy salsa by the gallon.
2. Your Christmas decorations include sand and l00 paper bags.
3. You think a red light is merely a suggestion.
4. All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October but clear out come the end of April.
5. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever.
6. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los."
7. You think 60 tons of crushed red rock makes a beautiful yard.
8. You've signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
9. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
10. Your house is made of stucco and has a red clay tile roof.
11. You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're clearing your throat.
12. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
13. You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
14. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
15. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.
16. Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
17. You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over l00 degrees.
18. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.
19. People break out coats when temperature drops below 70 degrees.
20. You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car. Refer to # 5
21. The pool can be warmer than you are.
22. You can make tea instantly.
23. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
24. Most homes have more firearms than people.
25. Kids will ask, "What's a mosquito?"
26. People who have black cars or black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out of-state or nuts.
27. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
28. The AC is on your list of best friends.
29. Monday Night Football starts at 5:00 instead of 8:00.
30. You know that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance.
31. You can finish a Big Gulp in 10 minutes and go back for seconds.
32. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one.
33. You can (correctly) pronounce the words:
"Saguaro," "Ocotillo," " Tempe,", "Gila Bend," "San Xavier," "Canyon de Chelly," "Mogollon Rim," "Cholla," and "Ajo."
34. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is walking on the streets.
35. You experience third-degree burns if you touch any metal part of your car.
36. You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you're wearing shorts.
37. Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with "in case of rain......"
38. When someone asks how far you live from a location, it's always in terms of minutes, not miles.
39. Everyone's smiling and talking about the great weather on rainy days.
40. If you haven't worked for Motorola at some time, you must be a newcomer.
41. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight saving time.

The Flood, Noah, the Ark ...updated version

It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it
is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

”You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

                       AMEN!

WHERE DID YOU EAT AS A CHILD?

"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,' " I explained.

"Grandma Stewart cooked every day and when Grandpa Stewart got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

My parents never owned their own house, wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. But also because we didn't have a car.

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Luigi's Pizza on the West side of Cleveland and my friend, Ronnie, took me there to try what he said was "pizza pie."

When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Plymouth. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was. All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers.

I delivered the Cleveland "News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers.

My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing!

New Game In Town

Three men are sittin’ on a bench. One’s a Texan wearing a Stetson; one’s a Muslim wearing a turban; the last is an Apache with an eagle feather woven in his hair.

The Indian is rather glum and says, “Once my people were many, but now we are few.”

The Muslim puffs up and says, “Once my people were few, but now we are many millions.”

The Texan adjusts his hat, finishes rolling a smoke, leans back in his chair and drawls, “That’s ‘cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet.”

Guilty Conscience

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first.

The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

The Story Of The Ant

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.  CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome."  Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's salvation.

Al Gore, re-emerging from his self-imposed exile, exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Ant Protection Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Senator Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed, during a Senate recess, from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

THE END

Ya Just Can't Get The City Out Of American Urbanites

This list is circulating among US Park Service employees. These are alleged to be comments on registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips.

"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."

"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Park Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to the wilderness."

"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."

"All the mile markers are missing this year."

"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."

"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

"I was shocked at how steep the drop-offs are. Can't you put a safety net on the cliffs in case someone falls?"

"Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."

"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."

"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."

"Need more signs to inform the people to keep the area pristine."

"A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead."

"The places where trails do not exist are not well-marked."

25 things you should have learned by middle age:

1.  If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2.  Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4.  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5.  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6.  My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7.  Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is intended to be "fun".

8.  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9.  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes, (although a Billings man was stabbed for not doing them fast enough.)

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

You know you are in FLORIDA during the summertime when:

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. 
Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out her affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
***************************************************************************************************************************

Travelers’ Alert!

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Kansas, Iowa, Oklahoma or Missouri, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter those states.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it.  Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a 25 pound flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You can bring Coke into my house, but it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car??? We're real impressed.  We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?  Interstate 70 goes two ways--Interstate 35 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.  Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aptid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place...

Dog's Diary
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they
were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In
an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their
bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I
was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy
chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My
only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

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