Humor Page

Just For Fun

 

If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be accommodating! 

Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of archives.  Some repeats exist simply because it is a major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such an important component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the best we find.  Enjoy!  DebV   

Humor 2010

 

Professional Courtesy At Its Best

 

One bitterly cold winter’s day a police patrolman came across a motorcyclist who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet stalled by the roadside.

 

“What’s the matter?” asked the policeman.

 

“Carburetor’s frozen.” Was the terse reply.

 

“Pee on it.  That’ll thaw it out.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

“Okay, watch and I’ll show you.”

 

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.  The bike started and the driver drove off waving.  A few days later, the chief constable received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

 

It began:  “On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded…”

 

 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...

on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."

 

 

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"


"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

 

 

Supposedly an "actual letter" from a Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' 

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi

 

Okay, this is a repeat I know – but too funny not to revisit!

 

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and 
an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA .
 
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She  
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started
to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted
owl that attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down
the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
 
  
In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters in her crotch. The doctor
listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait
in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
 
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The
angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
 
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Fish and 
Wildlife Service, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, 
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth 
timber from a recreational area.  
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
 
GOD BLESS  AMERICA !

 

 

Cowboy rules for:

 

Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

 

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

 

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

 

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

 

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

 

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

 

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

 

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

 

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

 

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

 

10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.

 

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

 

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in  Cincinnati  call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

 

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

 

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

 

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

 

A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!! 


 And there is more.............

The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline. 

OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... 

 

The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants!

 

That would be 15 million less people using our gas.

The price of gas would come down..... 

Bring our troops home from  Afghanistan  to guard the borders....

 

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to  Afghanistan .... 

 

Tell him if he wants to come to  AMERICA  then he must serve a tour in OUR military....

 

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...... 

 

After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country.....

He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... 

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in  Afghanistan  and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves.. ......

 

If they refuse to serve, ship them to  Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo.

 

Problem solved..... 

 

"If we don't change our direction, we will end up where we're headed."

 

 

Jeff Foxworthyish Take On Muslims

 

·       You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor… You might be a Muslim!

·       You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes… You might be a Muslim!

·       You have more wives than teeth… You might be a Muslim!

·       You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean… You might be a Muslim!

·       You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide… You might be a Muslim!

·       You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against… You might be a Muslim!

·       You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing… You might be a Muslim!

·       You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs… You might be a Muslim!

·       You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four… You might be a Muslim!

·       You find this offensive or racist… You might be a Muslim!

 

 

 

Here is another one worth revisiting:

 

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
 
Dear Grand-daughter,
 
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..
 
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..
 
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
 
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
 
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
 
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
 
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
 
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
 
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
 
Everyone started honking!
 
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
 
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
 
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..
 
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
 
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
 
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
 
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
 
My grandson burst out laughing.
 
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
 
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
 
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
 
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
 
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
 
Will write again soon,
 
Love, Grandma

 

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age  and thinking, surely I can't look that old?  Well...you'll love this one!

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his dental diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.  

 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.

 'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!' he beamed with pride.

'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked.

He answered,  “In 1965.  Why do you ask?”

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat arsed, grey haired, decrepit, bastard asked....

'What did you teach?’

 

 

Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.  When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

 

Having served his time with the Marine Corps, a man became a school teacher and before school started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

 

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
 
He had no trouble with discipline that year... 

 

 

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.  He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'  Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office. I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes.  When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  When he came in the door and saw me he said, …

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

 

 

A dog had followed his owner to school. His owner was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.


However, when the bell rang, the dog went inside the building and made it all the way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him.   The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.  

Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said, 'Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either.'

 

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy . . . Judy!"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).  Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, George..are you in Heaven?"

"No . . . I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

 

 

Men's ages as determined by trips to Home Depot 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house -- mowing the lawn, putting up a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on:  Shorts with a hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. 

Right in the middle of this great home-improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to complete the job.     Depending on your age you might do the following:  

 

In your 20's: 
Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.   Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

In your 30's: 
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's: 
Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is pretty.  

 

In your 50's: 
Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms ."

 

In your 60's: 
Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you aren't sure.
                     

In your 70's: 
Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.  

 

In your 80's: 
Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot.  Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

In your 90's & beyond: 
What's a home deep hoe?  Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Why am I reading this?  Did I send it?  Did you?  Who farted?

 

 

It's Going to get Ugly real Ugly!!

WARNING FROM MUSLIM  LEADERS

This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 Managers and Motel 6 Managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more Candidates for President either.

 

 

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

  The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

   "Well, as a matter of fact, I have!  I've been divorced three times, owned two Toyotas, and I voted for Obama."

 

 

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

   It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane

 Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T' (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably didn’t know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I had always thought it was a golf term.

 

 

Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch.
     It’s been in my family for six generations.” He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...”
     The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
     Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

 

“WELL S--T!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
Claude was never invited back to entertain.

 

 

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that "new
feel."

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger
seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were
of particular interest, he thought.


He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter
and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.


Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a
Republican truck.


Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke
up your ass all year round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.  Darn guy had no sense of humor.

 

 

Difference Between Men and Women

 

Men Are Just Happier People

 

NICKNAMES

·        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

·        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

 

EATING OUT

·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 

MONEY

·        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

·        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS

·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 

ARGUMENTS

·        A woman has the last word in any argument.

·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 

FUTURE

·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS

·        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

·        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE

·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 

DRESSING UP

·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL

·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING

·        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

 

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

 

Okay, this one has made the rounds over the years with a descriptive about someone winning some money in a contest for submitting it.  (I think it even exists somewhere on this site from wa-a-a-y back), but it is funny enough to give you a smile, even though it’s been debunked, (the contest part I mean.)  With this little graphic, it is even funnier!

 

 

 

And this one . . . well, if it were not so descriptively true, it might be good for a real belly laugh!

 

Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.                         
                                                                           
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back . . .                                                             
                                                                           
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.                         
                                                                           
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.       
                                                                           
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.


Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.      
                                                                           
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

                                                          
”No,” the woman replied. “I'm with the I.R.S..”

 

 

Oldie but Goodie (in more ways than one!)

 

New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60 years old!

 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.  You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.  Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

 

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.'  We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

 

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am.  Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.  Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would be easier for old guys..  We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.  We've also developed an appreciation for guns.  We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.  I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.  He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.  The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

 

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!  You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!   If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

                        "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

                        "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

                        "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

                        "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't forget."

                        "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like                            bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

                        "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

                        "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

                        "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees
                        
                        Ees
                        
                        Ees
                        
                        Ees

                        Ees a ham bush...."  

(And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you  - I know you did!)

 

 

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

 

 

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.                            
                                                
"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in  the United States with your wife  and eight children."               
                                                
The man told the fairy,  "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."      
                                                
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING!-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!    
                                                
"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."                       
                                                
The refugee claimant now got bolder.  "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my  relatives who still live in my  country..
I want to bring them  all over here" --- and -- PING!--  in the distance there could be  seen a beautiful mansion with a  three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.               
                                                
"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.                   
                                                
"Yes, one more wish.  I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap  instead of this sombrero.  And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore  Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.                  
                                                
"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new  house?"                       

The fairy said: "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

 

 

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

 

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to  New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. 

 

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as.....

 

Sinko De Mayo!!!

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. 

Janie, do you have a story to share?'

 

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.


''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?


"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010- Remember: 

 

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ....... 
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 


2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.. 

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

 

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone. 

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 

 

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 

 

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 

 

11. Definition of a teenager? 
God's punishment...for enjoying sex. 

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way... 


 

Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter.. don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!

 

 

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather support for his Health Plan.  Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling.

 

But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

 

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their president a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas  Drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

 

 

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
 
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
 
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of stuff like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!  


But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia!  
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
 
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  
 
There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!
 
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to spank us.   Nowhere was safe!
 
There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
 
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?
 
We didn't have fancy things like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
 
There weren't any  cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!  No such thing as channel surfing!  You had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
 
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!    


And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

 

 

New York Lawyer vs. South Carolina Deputy Sheriff

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, SC. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the SOUTH CAROLINA deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer..

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign..'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats.

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket. '

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless SOUTH CAROLINA

 

 

Read   the following explanation before looking at the picture! 

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about reading English. 

So, how does a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans" (etc.) slogans printed in English? 

Answer: 

They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. 

Unfortunately, in this case, they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant! 

Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way to Arab TV networks, but the results were PRICELESS! 


This picture is not doctored.

 

 

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:   

(Actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,  we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it   will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of  discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana .

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

 

 

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train a gain, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

 

 

A Korean War Correspondent told the following story:

In an R&R area, well south of the action, there were two separate camps.  The first was a well-equipped US Army camp that served high quality hot food, had warm sleeping areas and hot showers.  The other was a somewhat bedraggled collection of second-hand tents, with poor quality services available to the war-weary Marines.

The Army camp sported a large, elaborate, multi-colored sign at their front gate which stated:  "WITHIN THESE WALLS RESIDE SOLDIERS WHO ARE SECOND TO NONE!"

In front of the shabby Marine camp was hung a poorly, hand-painted sign, which simply read:

"NONE"

 

"Saepius  Exertus, Semper Fidelis, Frater Infinitas"
"Often Tested, Always Faithful, Brothers Forever"
United States Marines

 

 

This is so accurate, evah word of it . . .

 

Southern women know their summer weather report: 
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots: 
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody 's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions: 
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn 
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen: 
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:


Only a Southerner knows the difference between a  hissie fit and aconniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc..., make up "a mess." 
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of"yonder." 
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.. 
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! 
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and" a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and Po white trash. 
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, . . . And when we're "in line," . . . We talk to everybody! 
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South,  y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. 
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. 
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... And go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, .... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! 
_____

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now . . . Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

 

 

Interesting Statistic:

 

 

Since singer Susan Boyle (who professes being a virgin) has been on TV, there's been an 80% drop in suicide bombings.

Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like.

 

 

 

Best Quote Of the Year!

 

Judge Judy to Prostitute:
"When did you realize you were raped?" 

Prostitute (wiping away tears):  "When the check bounced."   

(The American public will soon feel the same way.)

 

 

The Fire Chief Explains

  

In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex was destroyed by a  fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.  An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.  6 LA, Hispanic, Gang  Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.  A lone, white couple lived on the top floor... The couple survived the fire.

 

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were  furious.  They  flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on  camera.

 

They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?

 

The fire chief said, "They were at work.."

 

 

Ya Gotta Check Your Fluid Levels

 

Barack Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in  the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his  head.

 

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over,  he called  his doctor and told him what had happened.  The doctor advised him to  come to his office immediately. 

 

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid,  gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.  Barack drank the  concoction and said,

 

 "That tasted like bullshit!" 

 

"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

 

 

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".

 

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land".

 

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land! Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

 

THEOLOGICAL QUESTION????   Does make one ponder.
 
 For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so
 bad at playing football that "Hell would freeze over if the Saints ever won
 The Super Bowl". On Sunday, February 7, 2010 the Saints won the Super Bowl.
 On that same Sunday Washington D.C. was paralyzed under several feet of
 snow and the Government was shut down. Do you think this indicates the
 actual location of Hell?

 

 

Spelling Lesson:

The last 4 letters in American are ...    I CAN


The last 4 letters in Republican are ...  I CAN


The last 4 letters in Democrats are...   RATS 
 
End of Lesson.

 

 

We have to stop cutting down trees!

 

 

 

 

 

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.

 

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

 

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

 

"Is your Dad home?"

 

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

 

"Well, is your Mother here?"

 

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

 

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

 

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

 

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

 

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

 

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.  It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

 

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that.  I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

 

Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart.
 
I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment.
 
Anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane
zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius

 

Recent quip from Jay Leno’s monolog:

 "So far this year, Obama and Pelosi have passed healthcare, repealed 'don't ask, don't tell', and are about to legalize marijuana, and provide amnesty to illegals.

If you’re a drug dealing, gay Mexican who snuck across the border for free
healthcare, this is your year!!!!"

 

 

From: U.S Navy Personnel Veterans
To:     The American Public  
Subj:  Position Statement of the U.S. Economy


We US Navy Veterans object to and take exception to everyone saying that Bernanke, Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending like drunken sailors.  

 

When we were drunken sailors, we always quit when we ran out of money.

 

 

PSALM 2010 
Obama is the shepherd I did not want. 
He leadeth me beside the still factories. 
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party. 
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake. 
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, 
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me. 
He has anointed my income with taxes, 
My expenses runneth over. 
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life, 
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever. 
I am glad I am American, 
I am glad that I am free. 
But I wish I was a dog ..... 
And Obama was a tree!

 

 

With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.  So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated, and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good grief, look how smart I am!”
 

Must be where the term ‘Smart Ass’ came from.

 

 

I Am A Dynamic Figure

 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

 

For the story behind this humorous essay, see this link. 

Thanks to son, Brett for finding it!

 

 

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But, mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, "No mushrooms. They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 & Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said,

"You know that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.

 

 

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...... I want to be a bear!

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.  One day while the boy was a way at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects.

 

  1. A Bible
  2. A Silver Dollar
  3. A Bottle of Whiskey
  4. A Playboy Magazine

 

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.  He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

 

 

Our planet is populated with plenty of bizarre and astonishing creatures.  Take bats for instance.  See http://www.batroost.com for some amazing photographs of bats.  Here is another one not available on that site:

 

Left-wing Dingbat

 

 

When you are down in the dumps  and  think you have real problems,  just   remember:

SOMEWHERE   IN THIS WORLD, THERE  IS A POOR GUY NAMED MR. PELOSI...

 

 

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

 

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

 

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

 

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea!

Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

 

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'

 

 

The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her underwear yesterday!'

 

 

WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first
date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
experience.  There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took
the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had
taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.  It
was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had
never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
nowhere!  Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did
for a while.  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let
her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that
she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about “what is taking so long” with a
reply that indeed, she was “freezing her butt off” and in need of some
assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater
and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She, too, got the giggles, and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.  Obviously, as
hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real
problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilled cheeks
from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her
into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that
there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other
way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt
off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
hands down.  Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought
your first date was embarrassing.    Jay Leno's comment...'This gives
a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.

 

 

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.  Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
                                 
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 
                                 
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
                                 
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
 
No response.  
 
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what's for dinner?"
  
Still no response.  
 
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
                                  
Again he gets no response.
  
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10feet away.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"
      
"GREG!, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"

 

 

I just wanted to let you know - today I received my stimulus package for 2010.

It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC.

The directions were in Spanish.

Hope you get yours soon!

 

 

Now this is true INTERNATIONAL UNDERSTANDING!

A  U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert, and as first aid was given to both men the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was armed and moving north along the highway, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy was a fat, good-for-nothing, left-wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited hooker!

"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!'

"And there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

 

 

Interesting Facts About Penguins

 

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?  
                                   
Wonder no more ! ! !  

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
 
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
 
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave
and sing:  

                "Freeze a jolly good fellow"
 
                "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
 
 
Then they kick him in the ice hole…

 

(You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!)

 

 

Human Interest Story

 

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? '

80% held up their hands..

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

' Mrs. Neely ?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? '

I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly..

' Mrs. Neely , that is very unusual. How old are you? '

'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? '

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches.'

 

 

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

 

HEADLINES:

 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.     

   
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
      No, really? Ya think? 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
       Now that's taking things a bit far!  


Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
     No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 
------------------------------------------------------  

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
     See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

War Dims Hope for Peace  
     I can see where it might have that effect! 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------- 

 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
   Ya think?! 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
      Who would have thought! 
 ---------------------------------------------------------------- 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
     They may be on to something! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
  ---------------------------------------------------------- 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  
     He probably IS the battery charge! 
----------------------------------------------  

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  
      Weren't they fat enough?! 
-----------------------------------------------   

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
     That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
 ---------------- ---------------------------------  

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
       Do they taste like chicken?
**************************************** 

   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 *************************************************** 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
       Boy, are they tall! 
 *******************************************  

And the winner is....  
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  
   
     Did I read that right? 

 

 

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

    He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

    The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would  ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

    Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

 

 

You know you're from Louisiana when... 

-Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.   

-You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads 

-You don't look twice when you see pink flamingos in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.   

-You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils. 

-Your ancestors are buried above the ground. 

-You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don't see what all the fuss is about. (YEAH!!!) 

-You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco. 

-Every once in a while, you have waterfront property... 

-You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, 'Don't eat the dead ones,' and you know what he means.   

-You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.. 

-You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads. 

-Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads. 

-You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together. 

-Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled. 

-You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.   

-Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don't care because you're No. 1 on the party chart. 

-Your house payment is less than your utility bill. 

-You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease. 

-Your grandparents are called 'Mam-Maw' and 'Paw-Paw...'   

-Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player. 

-You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a 'New Orleans-based' movie or TV show. 

-You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm. 

-You're walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer. 

-When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head. 

-You've eaten at one or more of these restaurants, AND know how to pronounce them:     Prejean's, Tujaque's, Galatoire's, Ralph & Kacoo's, Brunet's, or Mulate's.   

-You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you've eaten. 

-You call home just to find out what your momma'nem are having for supper tonight. 

-You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Louisiana. 

 

 

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

 

 

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN INDIANA GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the Midwest .

The first man married a woman from Wisconsin . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Minnesota . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.   The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Indiana . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

 

Blonde Irish Girl

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks,
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men...are men!

 

 

"Women are Angels
And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly......on a broomstick...
After all we are flexible...."

 

 

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
Give her sperm she will make a baby,
give her a house she will give you a home,
give her groceries she will give you a meal,
give her a smile she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what she is given.
So if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of excrement.

 

 

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US  AND REPRODUCE!!” 

 HELLO, OPERATOR

  

Actual call center conversations!

Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
                    can you help?'
Operator:      'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:     'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:     'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I  
                   need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and  
                   telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
                   number for Jack?'
Operator:      'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
                   traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:     'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller:  'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:             'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
                           you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:            'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'

 

 

 

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"


"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"


"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."


"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.


"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"


"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

 

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

 

So they went to the nearest Church.

But, only the Janitor was there.

One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us.  Will you baptize Us?"

 

"Sure," said the Janitor.  

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.  
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!"  

 

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"  

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, .. Because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, ... Because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, ... Because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"  

They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"  
   

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians!"

 

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes..'

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow---

 

 

 

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,  Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as  'HILLBILLIES. '

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.

And, furthermore. ..


    HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

  
1..  She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a '  BREASTED AMERICAN.'

  
2..  She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3.  She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE  INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

 

4.  She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5.  She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6.  She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1..  He does not have a 'BEER GUT'... He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2.  He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

 

3.  He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' – He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4.  He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE  REGRESSION.'


5.  He does not act like a 'TOTAL  ASS ' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6.  It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.’

 

 

"Elk Sex"

 

Two guys are drinking in a bar

One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

 

 

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...


New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

 

 

Here are a few inoculations against stupidity, (Darwin Award style) from various submissions that may or may not have ever been awarded prizes or even honorable mentions.  Now, I must admit that I find these funny, so that is why they are here on the Humor Page.  If anyone has a problem with poking fun at stupidity, then I recommend surfing elsewhere.  Side Note:  If we can’t laugh at it or learn from it, what good is stupidity anyway?

 

(Arkansas Democrat Gazette): Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County Deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.  

 

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip.  On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.  The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out.  As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column.  Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge.  (Editor’s note: The proper nomenclature is “round” – not “bullet”.  A bullet contains no explosive gunpowder or primer and, therefore, would be harmless.)

 

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree.  Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate again as intended.  Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

 

“Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,” stated Wallis.

 

“I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me.  I can’t believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,” said Snyder.

 

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.  Priorities, after all!

 

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

 

 

Note:  Be aware that the following example has NOT been removed from the gene pool.  At least we don’t think so at this point.  This guy could still reproduce!

 

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

 

Now, this guy could eventually wind up a Darwin Star, but at this point, he, too, could still reproduce.

 

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change.. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

 

 

This guy doesn’t belong anywhere near a Darwin award because, well, he’s just too quick a thinker, if you know what I mean.  Anyway, it does illustrate brilliantly how “free” doesn’t always mean, well, free!

 

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

 

Now here’s a touching story:

 

A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Texas one day.  As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' (means 'getting ready to' in Texas) to jump.  She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."     

                            

He replied, "I don't have a Mom and Dad;  I'm going to jump." 

                 

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."                        

            

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids.."           

                    

She said, "Well, Remember the Alamo."             

            

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?"'           

               

She replied, ''Well bless your heart.  You just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee bastard!" 

 

 

My granddaughter asked me what it was like to be old.  So I told her, “Put cotton in your ears and pebbles in your shoes, pull on rubber gloves and smear Vaseline over your glasses.  There, you have instant old age!”

 

 

Remember when Ronald Reagan was President...


 We had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us.

 

 Now we have Obama and no Hope and no Cash.

 

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to kiss off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

 

INTERNET WARNING: 
 
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it... 
 
It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi. 

 

 

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.  He has his food prepared for him.  He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.  His meals are provided at no cost to him.  He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.  For this He pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.   He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but  He is not required to do any upkeep.  If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.  He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.  He receives these accommodations absolutely free.  He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.  All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.  I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy S#!t, my dog is a democrat!

 

 

The Coming Winter


It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
 
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

 Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
 
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

 

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

 A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'  

  'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' 
 
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
 
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
 
'Absolutely,' the man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. 

 The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

 

Remember this story whenever you get advice from a government official!

 

 

Understanding  Ala bamer!


First you must learn how to pronounce the major cities...Bum-in-ham;
Hunts-vul; Mo-beeel.....
 
Driving Information:
Alabama has its own version of traffic rules. The truck with the loudest muffler goes next at a four-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. Note: Blue-haired ladies driving anything have the right-of-way anytime.
 
To find anything in Bum-in-ham, it is required that you know where Malfunction Junction is, which is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. It may be one of only two "cloverleaf interchanges" in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again... Atlanta -- making them a wee bit dumber than we are.
 
The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday evening.
 
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.  This applies to male and female drivers alike.
 
You must know that 'I-459,' 'I-59,'
'I-20,' and 'I-65' are the same road.
They just loop around, cutting in
and out of each other's path. We
think this was a ploy utilized to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.
 
Always, always, always, find out if
it is a race or football weekend before you get on any of these highways to travel somewhere. If it is a race or football weekend, stay home. You won't
be pleasantly going anywhere else.
 
Construction is a permanent fixture in Alabama . The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a little more interesting.
 
If someone has their turn signal on, wave them over to the shoulder immediately to let them know --
you can be sure it was 'accidentally activated'..
 
The minimum acceptable speed on 'I-65' (see above) is 85 mph. Anything
less is considered downright sissy.
 
I-65 is  Alabama 's state-highway-sponsored version of NASCAR.....
 
Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is using a cell phone, applying make-up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic.! If she is coming from north of Bum-in-ham, she might be packing. If she is coming from south of Bum-in- ham, she IS packing and is not afraid to use it.
 
Weather Information:
If it's 98 degrees, Thanksgiving could be next weekend. If it's 15-20 degrees and sleeting or snowing, then watch out. Bum-in-ham residents consider this 'demolition derby' day and will be all over the roads (front ways, sideways, etc). Please proceed with due caution.
 
Seasonal Information:
If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.
 
If you need to let the car 'get some air' while standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.
 
If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55, it is Fall.
 
If you finally turn the AC off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.
 
General Information:
Do not ever speak during the song " Sweet Home Alabama" unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is a form of heresy and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave us *Free Bird*. This is especially true if alcohol is present (notice I
didn't say 'sold at this event,' but 'present').
 
Yes, we know that the Vulcan monument is mooning the entire city of Bum-in-ham . It's not that funny to us anymore, and by now we're used to it.
 
If you ask someone for a 'coke,' they will often ask you, 'What kind?' This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.. Pepper, Root Beer, etc., it is all 'coke'.
 
All tea is sweet. If it's not sweet, you are in a Chinese restaurant or have crossed the Mason-Dixon Line .
 
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
 
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
 
People actually grow and eat okra.
 
'Fixinto' is one word.
 
There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then supper.
 
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two.  We do like a little tea with our sugar!
 
Backwards and forwards means "I know everything about you."
 
DGeet is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
 
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
 
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
 
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
 
You measure distance in minutes.
 
You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.
 
All the festivals across the state are named after
a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
 
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave the doors unlocked.
 
You carry jumper cables in your car . . .
for your OWN car.
 
There are only four spices:
salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
 
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
 
The first day of deer season is a state holiday.
 
100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm'.
 
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.
 
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time.
 
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
 
We don't need no stinking driver's ed ... if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
 
If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Alabama (and those who just wish they were).
 
EVERYONE can't be a Alabamian; it takes talent.  You might say it's an art form or a gift from God!

 

 

 

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