Humor Page
Just For Fun
If you have come here for a good laugh, we’re glad to be
accommodating!
Hours of fun reading exists here and on the several pages of
archives. Some repeats exist simply
because it is a major job to edit the material on this site, but humor is such
an important component for a healthy psyche, we will continue to bring you the
best we find. Enjoy! DebV
Humor 2011
I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the
people who voted for Obama.
They all hang together; half of the bastards
don't work, and the ones that do are not that bright.
HELLO, OPERATOR
Actual call center conversations!
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can
you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before
cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in
Australia?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe) 'If I
register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the
steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is
correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told
a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to
write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the
'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need
it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back
again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy
should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect
Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care
department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because
it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came
in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to
take leave. I thought that maybe if I
acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and
made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might
think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name
of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do
you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.’
WHERE I HAVE & HAVE NOT BEEN.
I have been in many places, but I've never been
in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with
someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and
work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much
on physical activity anymore.
I have never been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very
important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more
often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I
need all the stimuli I can get!
And more and more I think of the Here After .. Several times a day, in fact, I
enter a room and think "What am I here after?"
Some Of My Favorite Words
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
The place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
And MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.
Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico,
South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Kansas, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of
the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck
because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your
Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to
us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 &
I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that
are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are
comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar?
It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can
order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,
and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We
don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over
ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to
shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the
Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to
watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the
fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway.
We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to
#1!
A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends
that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can
begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
And there is more.............
The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline.
The Government wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use.....
The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal
immigrants!
That would be 15 million less people using our gas.
The price of gas would come down.....
Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders....
When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen,
rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan ....
Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR
military....
Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it......
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this
country.....
He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident.....
This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for
the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for
themselves. .......
If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway, without the canteen,
rifle or ammo.
Problem solved.....
Also:
The most terrifying words in the English
language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Ronald Reagan 40th President of the United
States
The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him
a friend.
Abraham Lincoln 16th President of the United States
Government's first duty is to protect the
people, not run their lives.
Ronald Reagan 40th President of the United State
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The
waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept
staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't
been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I
should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van and proceeded to back
out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said
to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
CHECK YOUR MAILBOX
Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2011 Obama Stimulus Package.
It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug and 10 coupons
to KFC.
The directions were in Spanish.
Hope you get yours soon.
THE SILVER SCREW
Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a bellybutton. In its place was
a silver screw. All the doctors told
his mother there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.
All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw
made fun of him. He avoided leaving his
house . . . thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet
who could get rid of the screw for him.
He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and
bought a ticket to Nepal.
After several days of
climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.
The monk knew exactly
why he had come. The screwy guy was
told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when
he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately
went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window. In the
mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver
removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the
pillow next to him. Reaching down, he
felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped
out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand --
You could lose your
ass.'
---- President Obozo is noted for screwing around with things he doesn't
understand - like the economy. That's why we are all losing our asses!
(Check your navel)
GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please
Leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your
home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, start
talking !!!!!!!!!!!
I called my stockbroker and asked her what I
should be buying.
She said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned
goods and ammunition are your best bets."
Quasi Puns?
My neighbor knocked on
my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30 am?! Luckily
for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I saw a poor old lady
fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had
$1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks
that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I was explaining to
my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as
a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said,
"You're obviously not listening ".
The wife has been
missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the
thrift shop to get all her clothes back.
Man
Man is a woman's best friend. He will reassure
her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest
emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's
the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.
No wait...... Sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.
It's wine that does all that. Sorry.
Ole Fills In…
A doctor in Duluth Minnesota wanted to get off
work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin'
tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how
was your day?'
Ole told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him
TYLENOL.'
'Bravo, mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor..
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the
Doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a
flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and
lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't Seen a man in over two
years!!'
'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?'
asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes!!
WVA WOODEN LEG INSURANCE
A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia from Ohio. The husband had
a wooden leg, and to insure it in Ohio had cost him $2000 per year!
When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how
much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West
Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and
said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it, is $39...
You just have to know how to describe it!
(HILLBILLIES know how "to git'er done")
How Hot Is It?
A buddy in Rossville, IL. said he'd killed a
mosquito that was carrying a canteen.
Also happened in Sumava Resorts.IN.
A man in Bismark, IL. said chicken farmers were
giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
Also happened in Greenfield,IN.
In Henning, IL. they caught a 20 lb catfish
that had ticks on it!
Also happened in Morocco, IN.
And just this week, in Danville, IL. a fire
hydrant was seen bribing a dog.
Also happened in Wanamaker,IN
It's so Hot in ILLINOIS..........
It also happened in indiana
The Baptists are starting to baptize by
sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving
out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into
water!!!!
Then, there’s this…
Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead,
they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but
easy. The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the
tree.
Now men . . . men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out
of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM
DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier
People --
What do you expect
from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays
put.
The garage is all
yours.
Wedding plans take
care of themselves.
Chocolate is just
another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt
to a water park.
Car mechanics tell
you the truth.
The world is your
urinal.
You never have to
drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add
character.
Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at
your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the
time.
Phone conversations
are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about
tanks.
A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your
own jars.
You get extra credit
for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to
invite you,
He or she can still
be your friend.
Your underwear is
$8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes
are more than enough..
You almost never have
strap problems in public.
You are unable to see
wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your
face stays its original color..
The same hairstyle
lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with
toys all your life.
One wallet and one
pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no
matter how your legs look..
You can 'do' your
nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas
shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are
happier.
Send this to the women
who can handle it
And to the men who
will enjoy reading it.
Men Are Just Happier
People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and
Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and
John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,Bubba and
Wildman .
EATING OUT
· When the bill
arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for
$32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit
they want change back.
· When the girls get
their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2
for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items
in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of
soap, and a towel.
· The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to
identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the
last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries
about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a
woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress
up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a
book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up
for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as
good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A
woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances,
best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.
l
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should
forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman takes her 16
year old daughter to the doctor's.
The doctor says:
"Okay Mrs Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says: "It's my daughter Debbie.
She keeps getting
these cravings.
She's putting on
weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination then turns to the mother and says:
"Well, I don't
know how to tell you this but your daughter is pregnant....
About 4 months would
be my guess."
The mother says:
"Pregnant?! She can't be!
She has never been
with a man, have you Debbie?"
Debbie answers: "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a
virgin!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stands there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass
and finally the mother asks,
"Is there
something wrong going on out there doctor?"
The doctor replies:
"No, not really.
It's just that the last time anything like this happened,.............
a Star appeared in the East and 3 wise men
came over the hill with Gifts....
and there's no way I'm
going to miss it this time!!!"
A cop
stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the
biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer
asks.
'Just Fred,' the man
responds.
The officer is in a good
mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a
warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case
on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your
last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's
a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got
good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my
degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
After
a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then
I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing
dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so
now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out
about the VD, so they took away my DDS..
Then I was Fred Johnson,
MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD
leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my
Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away
in tears, laughing.
Two informally
dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in
the LAX airport.
The first lady was an
arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a
well-mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation
centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by
saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful
mansion for me."
The lady from the
South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman
continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a
beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from
the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman
continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought
me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the
Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then
asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your
first child?"
"My husband sent
me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm
school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady
responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a
shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"......
A woman who had been
married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type
and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the
wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides
who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent,
if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
"Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a
first-time bride. "You see, my first husband was so excited about our
wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
"My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our
way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately
and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to
be, but nothing ever happened."
His request approved, the CNN News photographer
quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley
and make
low passes so I can take pictures of the fires
on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some
close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what
you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new
symbol of the American Presidency.
It is half black, half white, and everything it
does stinks!
His and Her Diary
Her Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment
on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was
wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about
it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love
you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.. He just sat there quietly, and watched
TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around
us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still
felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and
lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out of this pond until
you leave."
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
Barack and Michelle
are at the White Sox game.
Sitting in the first
row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret
Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares
at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head
violently.
The agent then says,
"Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team
down to the bat boy. And, the fans would love it!"
So, Barack shrugs his
shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want.."
He gets up, grabs
Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the
wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the
crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and
smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right, I would
have never believed that!"
Then noticing the
agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong.
The agent replies,
"Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the First PITCH!"
An American, a Scot, and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident.
They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died
before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the
American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses
present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there
was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing
at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So
of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I
knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors. "But what
happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling
over the price, and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay
his."
Fable of the
porcupine - It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the
cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to
keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of
each one wounded their closest companions.
After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they
began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the
quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to
go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused
by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat
that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but
when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can
admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
I was eating lunch on
the 20th of February with my 8 year-old grandson and I asked him, "What
day is tomorrow?"
He said "It's
President's Day!"
He is a smart kid. I
asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln... etc.
He replied,
"President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and
if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes,
grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why:
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold
spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a
possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the
plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under
the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see
what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time
the family dog came and cold-nosed him in his behind. He thought the snake had
bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had
had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an
ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the
stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the
man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a
neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was
gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt
the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive
her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,
saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the
back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his
scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on
the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had
bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and
began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived...
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken
fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to
explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing
wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen
drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end
table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it
started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window
into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into
the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the
parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.
The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the
street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and
disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get
the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right
with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap
for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in
their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
After the Packers /
Bills game, Buffalo released quarterback Trent Edwards.
During the Packers / Eagles game, the Packers injured Philadelphia quarterback
Kevin Kolb.
Philadelphia then had to play backup quarterback Michael Vick.
During a playoff game against the Eagles, the Packers injured Michael Vick and
another backup was needed.
After the Packers / Cowboys game, Dallas fired Wade Phillips.
After the Packers / Vikings game, Minnesota fired Brad Childress.
Four weeks after losing to the Packers, the 49er's coach Mike Singletary was
fired and replaced.
During the Bears Playoff game, the Packers injured Jay Cutler and backup Todd
Collins forcing the Bears to go with 3rd string quarterback Caleb Hanie.
Is it just me or did the Packers create more jobs than Obama last year?
Oldie but goodie!
The
Haircut
One day a florist
went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the
barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested
today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a
flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule
and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is
a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction. 'Al-gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney
General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute
values.'
They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the G reek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every
triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more
fingers and toes.'
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or
profound statement by the President.
Each Friday night
after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison
steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And, since it was
Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem
for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and, as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist
and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved..... until Friday night arrived and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was immediately called by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and
watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat, while chanting:
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a
catfish."
Priest's Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement
dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of
the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little
speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited:
‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when
questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen
money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his
boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled.
But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I
had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people’.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the
politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to
make the presentation and gave his talk:
‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the
politician’. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him
for confession’.
Moral: Never, Never Be Late!!!
(Oldie but goody)
Barack Obama met with
the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run
such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well,"
said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with
intelligent people."
Obama frowned, and
then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip
of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent
riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony
Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walked into the room and said,
"Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiled and
said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a
child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a
moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."
"Yes!
Very good," said the Queen.
Obama went back home
to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice, the same question. "Joe,
answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not
your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not
sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one...."
He went to his
advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.
Finally, he ran into
Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this
for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?"
Sarah Palin answered
back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Biden smiled, and
said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.
"Say, I did some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped
over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot!
It's Tony Blair!"
....AND THAT
IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.
"JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT"
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a
restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The
Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting
over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the
Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with
a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the
waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked
her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was
a Democrat on crutches He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?"
He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over
there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed
her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the
Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his
back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a
series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just
smiling..
The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't
touch me ... I'm collecting disability!"
More Blonde Jokes:
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you Throwing
those nails away?"
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of
my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them
away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those
nails aren't Defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked
her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your
finger?'
'No, silly,' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I
thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get
my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver Thermos. She
was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk to
ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'
So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things cold,'
she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied......
'Two popsicles &some coffee.'
For anyone that has
or hasn’t had a colonoscopy, this is priceless.
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make
an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a
product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense
of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may
result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the
MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And
then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another
liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional
return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off
that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if
you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy
was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'
had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA
was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies . . .
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by
his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . .'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10... 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the VERY best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts
recently transferred to the mountains of Tennessee and was on her first tour of
her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her
life. Intrigued, she went up and
knocked on the door.
“Anybody home?” she asked.
“Yep,” came a kid’s voice through the door.
“Is your father there?” asked the social worker.
“Pa?
Nope, he left afore Ma came in,” said the kid.
“Well, is your mother there?” persisted the
social worker.
“Ma?
Nope, she left just afore I got here,” said the kid.
“But,” protested the social worker, “are you
never together as a family?”
“Sure, but not here,” said the kid through the
door. “This is the outhouse!”
(Government workers are so very smart. Aren’t you glad that they will soon be
handling all our financial, educational, and medical dilemmas?
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl
on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus
packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little
pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why
do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl
replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming,
universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
BBC NEWS:
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday
in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce
an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by
25% this February from 72 to 60. A company spokesman said increases in
recent years in the number of suicide bombings have resulted in a shortage
of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement saying the move was
unacceptable to its members and called for strike vote. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working
themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in
return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda
chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "I sympathize with our
workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their
demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad
in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a
chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice
between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting
benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't
be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales, and
the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not
hurt their membership as there are few virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of
suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing
star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like
and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
Mom's Group Therapy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy
session with four young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your
obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your
obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly
got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go out for something to eat.'
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card
in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the
counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked
"insufficient funds" you have to call them and ask if they mean
you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their
nannies and learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff
scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being
investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak
future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center
in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and
asked if I could drive a truck.
HAVE A FANTASTIC 2011
Arizona Law having an
effect
Phoenix, AZ (AP) - SB-1070 is having an affect.
Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands,
showing their outrage with Arizona 's controversial new SB-1070 law by moving elsewhere.
In the small town of Guadalupe AZ, south of Phoenix, Manuel Renaldo is
one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving. As he loaded his stolen
car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through
an interpreter "It's a matter of principle. I refuse to be supported
by a state that treats me like a criminal."
The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers who are
reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit
hard are the state's hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in
births and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.
Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter "He and his family
are moving to California, which is a state that will support him and his family
with dignity."
A motorcycle
patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman
kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that
it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he
finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look
at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic
hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape--the kind that
doesn't come off easily, if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters
was the sentence, 'Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over
last week.'
Kinda brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE
STORY. FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS STILL A TRUE STORY.
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.. Placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to
the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster
than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort,
however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by
some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an
attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not
required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt.. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the
front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
Redneck Marriage
Counseling
Cletus is passing by
Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob
doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the
right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down
to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides
of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath.
With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body and hurls his
baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya' doing,
Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya' scared the
bejeezers
out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble
lately in the bedroom d'partment and
the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come 'splain this to
you!)
I saw
a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River this morning;
he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was
carrying.
Along
with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to
stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his
back.
If they didn't get help,
they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan
and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County
Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4pm, both have
drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I
wasted two stamps.
Government
surveyors came to Ole's Minnesota farm last spring and asked if they could do
some surveying.
Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at
noontime.
After their work was done, the surveyors told Ole, "You
were so kind to us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person, instead of by
letter."
"What's
the bad news?" asked Ole.
"Well, your farm is right on the state line," the
surveyors said, "and after our work was completed,
we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota. It's actually
in Iowa."
"That's the best news I've had in a long time,"
said Ole.
"I was just telling Lena this morning that I don't
think I can take another winter in Minnesota!"